How to Win Friends and Influence People

When meeting someone for the very first time we get a certain vibe or energy about them. When a person comes across as warm and friendly, this naturally makes us feel more comfortable in their company. It helps us relax and be more vulnerable, open and inviting. We are therefore more naturally receptive to being influenced by them simply because they made us feel good in their presence. In order to make this impression on people, you need to project a friendly and warm energy. Smile sincerely, move gracefully, be open, genuine, lighthearted and use the person’s name throughout the conversation.

Having made a great first impression, your next objective is to keep this person interested and engaged. One of the best ways to do this is to ask sincere, genuine and non-threatening questions. More specifically, ask questions about them, about their life, about their work, interests and passions. By encouraging the other person to speak, allows you to get to know them at a deeper emotional level. Likewise it makes the other person feel more relaxed and comfortable in your presence. What typically happens, is that the more you allow them to talk about themselves, the more interesting you essentially become.

As your conversation progresses forward, pay attention to the little things the other person shares with you. Specifically listen to the stories they tell you about themselves and about their life and circumstances. Pay particular attention to all the things that they are proud of becoming, accomplishing or doing. These are the nuggets of gold you need to help you build deeper bonds and emotional connections. Use these moments to give them honest and sincere appreciation for all they have done and become. Moreover, find ways to show this person how much you genuinely understand and respect everything about them.

As your conversation moves along, encourage the other person to talk about their personal struggles and the problems that are holding them back in life. Talking about such matters is of course not easy, it can however help you connect with them at a deeper emotional level. But make sure though that you’ve established enough rapport by this stage of your interaction. One way to do this is to make the other person feel important. As they share their stories and personal experiences with you, express how much you value their intelligence, effort and character in a genuine and sincere manner.

So far the other person has spent a great deal of time talking about themselves. This is of course exactly what you want, however it’s now time to balance the scales. In order to fully trust you, the other person needs to see that you are vulnerable, genuine and real. This requires that you now open up about yourself and about your own life and experiences. However, this isn’t the time to blab on about all your accomplishments and triumphs. Instead, talk about your personal struggles and problems. More specifically, show your humanity by admitting to your mistakes and failures. Allow the other person to connect with you on an emotional level.

You have done so very well up to this stage of your interaction. However, to truly win friends and influence people you still need to continue being very personable, friendly, supportive and upbeat. Don’t for instance fall into the trap of criticizing or condemning the other person for raising certain opinions or beliefs. This will instantly ruin your rapport and the respect you’ve established. Likewise, don’t complain about things not working in your life. Nobody admires those who complain. People admire the underdog who fights through their struggles and takes full responsibility for their life and circumstances.